A survivors Guide to Good Sex

I admit I have had more than my fair share of sexual experiences in my years. The first sexual experience I remember in my life was being molested at the age of 9. The second, I was assaulted by a different offender at the age of 15. Both offenders were members of my own family. Needless to say I did come from a dysfunctional family. After that I became promiscuous for many years to follow. I later found out that this is common for survivors of sexual abuse. Why? For me, I believe it was at least partly an issue of control. I was able to take charge of who I slept with, making the decision for myself, which my first experiences had not allowed. The other factor though was a feeling I got with each sexual experience I had, a feeling of being further distanced from the abusers of my past. If you have been molested, raped, or in any way assaulted sexually you probably know the feeling of wanting to clean yourself after. Many rape victims have washed away all evidence by taking a shower after the incident. I am no exception to that, I took a shower and tried to wash and scrub for a long time. It was of no use, I didn’t feel clean and had not managed to remove the emotional and mental contaminants the abusers left behind. Somehow, future sexual experiences gave me the false impression that the new experiences were taking place of the old; it was a psychological shower in a sense. However, the new experiences were not that great, and in truth they did not take away the damage that had been done. I would have been better off in realizing that choosing not to sleep with someone does give as much, if not more, control of my own body back to me. That didn’t dawn on me for a long time to come.

I have had terrible, bad, good, and fantastic sexual experiences in my life. I am writing this with the hope that someone who has not yet made as many mistakes can learn from mine. If you relate to any part of my story maybe you can take from this some of the lessons I learned leading to healing and finally enjoying sex. Although some abuse survivors may not believe it now, sex can be pleasurable and moral.

Post abuse, one of the worst sexual experiences I have ever had was with a man I didn’t and still don’t even know. A friend's, boyfriend's, friend was at my place. He was drunk, as were my friend, her boyfriend and I. He told me that he wanted to have sex with someone to get back at his cheating girlfriend. He cried and talked about how she did him wrong. He outright asked me if I would have sex with him to get back at her. Back in the days when I would get drunk and hang out with people like that, my standards were lower. I went along with it, right in the living room. I don’t remember the guys name. I don’t remember if he finished. I barely remember what he looked like. I don’t even remember if he wore a condom. What I do remember was that Batman was in the VCR and I was watching it while he was using my body to get off and get even.

What made this experience so bad? Was it that he didn’t know how to please a woman? Or was it the size of his manhood? Was it that I was incapable of enjoying sex?

No, it was a number of other factors. The first is excessive alcohol use. Sometimes, a small amount of alcohol, (maybe one glass of wine) can increase desire and lower inhibitions resulting in a good experience. Excessive alcohol though can be physically, mentally, and emotionally impairing, which decreases the quality of sex. A drunken man may even have difficulty in getting or maintaining an erection. Another huge factor here was my lack of respect for myself at that time. I was allowing myself to be used. I believed I was also using him, and did not respect nor require the man to treat me with any respect or care about my feelings. A man who is sensitive to your needs and emotions will make a much better lover since he will care if you are comfortable and if enjoying yourself. Someone who is disrespectful to you will not care about anything other than getting what he wants, how he wants it. I later had an equally bad experience with a man who attempted to treat me with respect but did not respect himself or require that I respect him. I treated him badly, controlling the date and the sex. I got out of bed and left his apartment when the sex was over. I never called him or spent any time with him again. It was not a moving or memorable experience and held no pleasure for me. Good sex requires that you have and adhere to an expectation of mutual respect.

So what about good experiences? I don’t even know the exact number of people I have slept with. Many of the men I slept with prided themselves as being good in bed. But there are only 3 men who I recall as being good. The sex felt good physically, emotionally, and mentally. The first was a man who was a good friend. I had a crush on him for a long time before anything happened between us. It didn’t go quite as far as I would have liked, we finished with oral sex only. He and I were never more than friends. The encounter was brief and only happened once. Still, it was a positive experience, at least my memory of it was. We were both very aroused and it was a pleasurable experience. He had a girlfriend at the time though, and in retrospect this experience was a mistake, even though it was also pleasurable. The second was a man who was my lover for at least a year. I can’t say that he was a boyfriend or that we had a relationship. But we did know each other fairly well before the first time we had sex. We didn’t really date, and both of us slept with other people so there was no commitment. That fact is what ultimately led to the gradual end of the relationship. He was an attentive lover, had a good sense of humor, and was a hardworking and respectable man. Most of the many times we had sex were very enjoyable experiences. The third is my husband. He and I knew each other for about a year before our first time together. He was recently divorced and was a little gun shy. His ex-wife had been a controlling person and he had learned lessons from that experience. He made it clear from the beginning that he would not tolerate anything less than mutual respect. He still had a bit of a naive romantic in him somewhere though, because after our first sexual experience he started calling me his girlfriend and he gave the impression he figured we were an exclusive item. I had been with so many men that did not reserve sex solely for monogamous relationships that this was a welcomed change of pace. I had been with men that were clingy and who would have been willing to be monogamous as well but this was different. He was respectful and attentive as well as passionate. He was not clingy, in fact he required his own time and space too. He wanted to know what turned me on and what I enjoyed or didn’t enjoy. He got his pleasure in making sure I got mine. I had a lot of respect for him as well and also wanted to make sure he was enjoying the experience as much as I was. Some sexual encounters with him were even spiritual, in that it was a joining of our bodies, and spirits.

This is not to say that everything was perfect with any of these 3 men. The first two I have already described the problems. With my husband there have definitely been difficult times and some issues have arisen in regard to our sex life. We have worked out a lot of the issues and there are still others. However, I do feel very comfortable with my sexual nature at this time in my life, which is at least in part do to my experiences with him. I have been completely faithful to him since our first time together in January of 2000, to the time of writing this article in October of 2008. I feel really good about that and I feel at peace with my flawed sexual past regardless of what the future may hold. That is saying a lot for me.

Please keep in mind that having positive sexual experiences was not the cure for the negative ones, but rather a result of healing that has taken place for me. Certain realizations through serious consideration and therapy have brought me to this place. I personally found NLP and Time Line Therapy to be extremely helpful.

The things I have learned from the above have led me to better sexual experiences. This includes the knowledge that:

I am worthy of respect and should expect it from my partners, and that having respect for myself can flow into having respect for my partner.

I am not my past, my history does not define me, I define myself anew every day.

Forgiveness, or letting go of the past is not saying it is okay. I can acknowledge that what happened was not okay, and I can let it go at the same time.

Some of the hurtful things I did to myself and others in the past, I did because I did not have the resources to find a better solution. I know now that there is always another option, a better way. All you have to do is be open to finding the alternative.

The human mind is capable of amazing things, and you really can be in control of your life and your healing. I know that it is okay and good that I don’t have all of the answers, that leaves room for growth and even more positive changes now.

Good luck in your journey of growth and healing.